The Corvid Cabaret

someone's gotta stamp in big letters the word paraboy on my forehead honestly. i've been in a bit of a funk worrying about "am i boy though" and the answer is Bro you were identifying as agender when you were nine we've BEEN in the trans umbrella. anyway friendly reminder paragenders real and i love yall

(Not a guide on how to do what I've outlined in the title, by the way.)

We've had some deep grievances for a bit that barely affect our everyday life now but very much will come at least three years from now. And they all stem from us being transmasc. We've even talked about them to close (online) friends, but I'll be damned if writing to an audience of barely anyone (but surely someone) wouldn't be helpful. It's also just talking about the trans experience which will always be valuable.

We find ourself in the not-exactly-strange-but-still-annoying predicament of having a transphobic father who we're likely to be in occasional contact with when we hopefully get admitted to the university we want to go to. Two grand problems with this: A) we like our mother even though she's also... weird (to say the least) about queer people, and B) he promised to help with funds should we need any for tuition (not a grand problem since our goal university is extensively generous with its financial aid program, but still). There then comes a conflict of interest a la "how the hell do we transition without getting psychologically murdered when we have to visit our parents". We very desperately want to start HRT at some point during our college days due to the fact that we're going to be attempting to go into public education after we graduate and the thought of transitioning in front of a bunch of vaguely right-leaning teenagers (we live in the southern US) is horrifying, but if we do, we have the problem of trying not to get transvestigated when we visit our parents. Unfortunately we are not delusional enough to think our father will come around to respecting trans people, but he does seem to still have paternal instincts towards what he thinks is his daughter. (Same man who managed to get us in a bad enough place mentally that we went to a psych ward...! Good job papa your son is gay and he wants to get out of your house.) We just want to boy why is it so fucking hard. Why are trans people not allowed to be people in modern USAmerican society. Can we be who we are without being scared for our livelihood. (Answer: our father made a horrifically bad-taste joke about putting our brother in a straitjacket so he could shave said brother's head bald because papa doesn't like his son having long hair or something. Sir you had long hair too shut the fuck up. Horrifying how he didn't realise he sounded like a Nazi...)

I don't know how to end this so um. Fuck transphobes. Any spotted on our journal will be blown up on sight. Thanks ^_^ live laugh let me fucking be.

hello dreamwidth my old friend. dropped off the face of the earth for very good reasons i promise (there are books on my pc and i don't care enough to take them off. two books by the way) but Heyyyy i got two billion projects now. am i namedropping them ABSOLUTELY NOT but one of them is. possible to find wading through the hell of youtube. i like making a music i have committed to an endeavor i should not have. doing it anyway though 'cause it's funny.

plural side of things i lowkey got dropped in the shadow realm for a month??????????and i escaped literally the day i finished my 25-26 year what the fuck. really funny when i think about it but also really fucking weird because i don't. remember a reason for being locked off. granted plurality does weird shit but our memory is basically one fluid stream just with different guys at different times. uhh. tasukete.

i've been having fun since summer break started. our mom propped up our schedule to be really busy in a few weeks for whatever reason but it DOES mean we get to see a bunch of cats again so taking it as a win. don't really got more to say?? no i do actually. very much we've been doing more music yeah. however our daw continues to enshittify itself because it's bandlab. help me. figured out a bunch of shit that's made our music better but bandlab as a whole still pisses me off. one day i'll get a good daw that isn't lmms (i really don't like lmms) and works on linux mint and i can finally dropkick bandlab into the sun

tis all i guess man. hello the one new guy who subscribed to my journal while i wasn't paying attention and somehow guilted me into writing this by virtue of me looking through your journal. how did you get in my house

the image of me as i lie in my bed
i could never have seen him, but he's there in my head
much a silence ado, then a skip back to you
there's not much to worry on falses and truth

he gets up each morning and he comes down each night
as the ever-so-steady streaming sliver of light
breaks down through my window and hums a sharp tune
"i need to get ready! it's just about june!"

the shadow of me sings the delicate song
as i watch aimlessly and he strings me along
is it true that he's brighter? no, it just can't be
that man in the mirror in the end is all me

these weights on my chest i can never remove
but he dances so freely and sways as he moves
maybe scars aren't nearly as bad as i thought
but i'm scared to move on and leave 'hind what i've got

it's not much a blessing but really a curse
and i'm wholly convinced that breaking it's worse
yet the man in the mirror wears his battles with pride
and he calls me to join him in joy and in stride

i take one last glance at myself from the past
he's a hesitant idiot, but he makes those things last
i know he's unsure and just waiting for 'morrow
but it does him no good to sit all in his sorrow

and that cleanly white room brought me all the right comfort
my choices had led me to feel true and triumphant
my mind's falling for me into the white deep
but for now? i think i'll just enjoy this nice sleep.

entry title isn't really related to entry content sorry it's moreso just how this gets us feeling sometimes.

we've been endlessly lamenting over the fact that "uohhhh i wanna write a novel........." (for the sake of writing a novel. because writing is fun. don't really care whether we publish it or not we just want to do it) and the thing that comes with that is that we are idea homie hopper two thousand and cannot stick to our guns long enough to write over fifty thousand words on just the one thing. do we have characters that we absolutely could write two billion things about? yes of course nanakai is a beast and a half and we can do shit with them for centuries if we lived that long (side note awwwwwww mannnnnnnnnnn i really gotta post lamprocapnos here sometime. i have to do a bunch of editing about it but i really do gotta post it sooner or later. probably uber later).

we get wisps of ideas yes of course but we cannot. stick to them. it pisses us off. man like damn we've tried to start writing a novel before and we got like a good way in (i think like 8k words?) but we then proceeded to forget about it and also the writing was breaking down phenomenally because we had not done a single lick of planning even a little bit. it's also really fucking bad wow. lost media to us now! (we could recover it but we really don't fucking want to it sucks genuine ass.) most of the fiction writing we do is also in the form of text-based roleplay so like. we're very much used to bouncing off of other people and improvising from there. doing whole ass sprints is really hard.

sure there's like. a lot of authors and novelist out there who went "yeah no this idea festered in the back of my mind long before i ever started putting it down onto the page" and like man that would be so great if that were us. however the way our ideas manifest is into one uber evil guy and then we make the oc and it's like. damn what now. because our usual outlet for that is fucking!!!!!!!! text-based roleplay!!!!!!!!!!! which we do enjoy but goddamn that's not a novel dipshit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the worlds and characters we come up with always feel like there's too much to contain them to just the page and that's why roleplay is so fucking appealing to us honestly. it's freedom to explore and experiment and you're feeling that shit in real time and like mannnn. do some authors view their works like this? i mean. look at soulbonders man. i can guarantee that people have and will continue to feel that the fiction they make exists beyond them. i'm just like. i come up with concepts i like in the moment but then like two hours later i look back at the doc and go "who the fuck does this guy think it is" and trash it.

maybe this shit'll come to us in a dream and we'll wake up in a frenzy, grab our phone, and start typing in an REM-induced delirium. maybe we'll have to do a lot of soul searching just to end up writing that vaguely autobiographical novel like everyone else. maybe we'll give up. maybe we'll be brandon sanderson 2.0. maybe we'll write a serial. maybe we'll come up with it after years of cracking at the faraway hope and realise that "damn, we beat ourself up over fuckass nothing." maybe nobody fucking cares. and we'll try anyway because in the end we are one very squishy human who just wants to do shit and have fun and enjoy itself and not die and maybe leave a mark on the world. have fun don't die love yourself i guess

i think it's really shitty sometimes to want to write but not know at all what to write about. we actively have 5 different projects (eyeballing the number i can't bother to remember it right now) but we're ignoring all of them for... reasons...???? honestly i can't really explain it. we're chasing a dopamine hit that'll never come i guess. there are several nasty implications underneath that sentence for us but i'm not going to think about because free will i guess. we also got allergy beamed literally the side of midnight just entering april fool's which fucking sucks. what was i talking about again...????

right. writing. yep. sometimes (and by sometimes i mean just now) we think we should get more into writing philosophy but actually formal but we suck super hard at doing nonfiction and it also pisses us off because we're currently still in a situation where we have to write informational essays (blegh) and starting work on fiction is hard because the expanse of untapped potential is so vast.

to put you in our shoes imagine you're standing at the highest point on earthNo. don't. imagine the beginning of the universe. bear with me. imagine you're god yep. this was not where i thought this was going but yep you're god now okay. the moment you conceive an idea isn't the moment you begin the big bang by the way. it's the moment you take action on that idea to "yep i'm going to make this into a project." does that make sense. the original vision i had in my head was just the seeming infinity of space with all the stars and everything at your fingertips and you're floating there but uh. i got away from myself.

this is to say! having to shape the potential into something material is so fucking scary. there's so much you could fuck up. there's so much you do fuck up! making art when you break it down so far it's hard to think about becomes terrifying. and yet we as a species make it all the time. do we fumble the ball constantly? yes. points at colleen hoover for one. but anyway. nailing your project down is so fucking hard and we're trying to begin from zero ideas at all and no inspiration. just an incessant need to write something. and i guess this was the something? writing 400 something words complaining about how writing is horrifying. freewriting is great huh. yep. isang.

one of the worst things about joseph campbell i think is that i'm being forced to write doomed yaoi while abiding to the... """""structure""""" of his model. first of all? absolute bullshit. i can't recall whether we've already harped on about how much we hate the guy or not here because we haterpost about joseph campbell everywhere. it's hard to keep track. the hero's journey model he came up with i do believe can make for a useful analysis tool but notice how i don't say outline. notice how i don't say story structure. you can use campbell's model all you want to inspect the workings of a story if that's how you want to think (even though i think it's bullshit for several reasons one of them notably being the whole existence of tragedies and the wildly sexist tone it has), but the moment you're going to start using it as the basis of a story you're going to find that unless your protagonist is the archetypal hero (which most aren't! including ours!) you're going to have to start either sacrificing your vision or bending the model until it's unrecognizable.

except this is an english assignment for some godforsaken reason? i'm being forced to write doomed yaoi (while misgendering my main character the whole time????) by the bullshit that a dead man wrote. also! quite notably! our protagonist flat-out dies at the end. not very ultimate boon-ish to me, quite frankly. but whatever. doomed yaoi.

updates on our simply plural alternative ventures...! it's going like hot shit. we've been trying to wrangle anytype into something we're happy with but it's been giving us a nightmare and a half. i know that pollux said we're probably going to transfer our data to a google doc or spreadsheet, but considering the homework we're also trying to do over spring break, i'd wager we're probably going to get hit with executive dysfunction instead. we've been reading project hail mary by andy weir for an english assignment and pollux wants to knock out all of the assignments about it before the movie releases which gives us a significant time crunch. it's definitely feasible if we can put our mind to it but considering our awful penchant for procrastinating it'll be significantly less likely that we do both that and get the cabaret's data transferred somewhere we know we can trust damn well.

honestly, it's a really good marker to our stability that sp's sunset hasn't launched us into a panic or deep anxiety. we were in deep shit around this time last year and while a distant part of us misses that time because it recognizes that as a time we forged our strongest connections to our friends, it's something we can't let happen again for sake of our sanity. we've already exported our data directly from sp and transferred it to two separate apps like we mentioned before, so even though losing sp will be a massive change, it's something we have the resources to cope with as long as we can properly take action about it. we'll have to make a bigger entry about learning to be more chill about ourselves and our circumstances, but that won't be for a bit, i think.

i'm going to go play with the headspace cat now thanks

aka i talk about limbus canto ix and future limbus shit. spoilers for all of canto ix

( SAIKAI )

went on a date with my boyfriend to an arcade and it was so joyous and whimsical i am so happy about it. thats it thats the post im so gay